It is amazing how often we pray for things we want, thinking that if we just pray hard enough or want something so baldy, things will go exactly how we desire. That is how I used to feel. I knew that God created me and put me in the family I have. I was surrounded by a loving family that wanted the best for me, two parents who had a good marriage, two brothers who, although would pick on me growing up, set a great example for me to work hard in school and become successful, and a church family who encouraged me to love God and grow in a Christian community. With these influences in my life, I naturally wanted the things in life that followed the patterns I saw around me....a Christian husband, a degree from a great University, a family (with perhaps two or three children...seemed good to me), a dog, a cat, a home, and a Christian community that pretty much laid good friends at your feet, or at least you would hope so in a "perfect world" (haha).
So, after realizing these dreams, I did everything I thought was the "right" way of doing things. I remained "the good girl" in school, I strived for the "best grades," I prayed for my future husband, I attended a Christian school, etc. Honestly, I thought, "If I do everything 'the right way,' how could things possibly go wrong?" After all, I watched as my brothers followed the same steps (except for a few problems here and there), and then they married the "perfect women," one started a family, and the other owns his own home. I wanted these things too...in fact, I thought it was necessary that I follow the same steps in order to do things "the right way."
So, my second year in college, over the summertime, I met at guy who, for the first time, actually seemed to have the guts to ask me out. I had had so many crushes in high school and college, but the guys were either just not gutsy enough to "make a move," or I must have seemed desperate, and therefore, not attractive. Anyway, this guy caught my eye because I actually felt "wanted" and I had not dated anyone before him. I was 20 years old, and I thought I better start dating before ending up an "old maid" (I can't believe how ignorant I was at that time).
Well, this guy and I started dating...things went pretty fast. I was engaged after only 6 months, and married to him a year and a half later (so obviously we were engaged longer than we were dating). Being 20 years old, still growing as a person, and not really knowing anything about "red flags," I didn't really pay attention to the important things that make up a long-lasting relationship. The guy had some pretty bad issues that I just ignored. I so badly wanted to get married and get on with my life, that I failed to really invest time in myself and what was best for my life. I "thought" I was listening to God...I really did. However, after I said "I do," I then realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life...marrying someone who was not a good match for me, but more importantly, had issues that were too big to really be a good spouse.
After being married for almost three years, I was so depressed, scared, and hurt by the things I was dealing with in my marriage. I will not discuss the things I dealt with because they are things I have chosen to move on from, and I have forgiven my ex-spouse. However, the problems were big enough that they tore me up and pushed me to grow more than I ever expected.
Now, growing up in a Christian community did not make it easy for me to choose divorce. I knew what the Bible said about divorce, but I also knew that God was not pleased with my marriage, and I also knew that God has no desire for his children to be hurt physically and emotionally by another person....that is not the God I know. I prayed and prayed for God's guidance and peace, and I have never felt more peace about a decision then when I realized I had to end my marriage. I knew that God commands us to forgive and "love" everyone! I knew that I could never love my ex-spouse in a romantic way, as a wife loves her husband, but I could "love" him as another child of God. I have chosen that route and I choose not to hold on to the past. I have forgiven him and that brings the greatest freedom I have ever experienced.
My life has definitely not been the same since my divorce. I was forced to restart my life in a new city, meet new friends, find a new church, etc. It was the biggest struggle of my life. I also had to learn how to be single all over again. Thankfully, God has been with me every step of the way. My relationship with God is completely different. I now understand better than ever how God can totally redirect your life and bring you to your knees. I would be a liar if I didn't feel anger and frustration with God over and over again as I was dealing with loneliness, pain, and feeling like I was a failure. But then I am reminded how God has practically given me a "second chance at life." Although I have faced the hardest time of my life (so far...have a long way to go still...haha), I can say that I have experienced what is like to be in a horrible relationship, and see how even if my story didn't end up happily, God has not turned his face against me and has continually shown me that he is by my side.
Despite the struggles that come with divorce, I am a happier and stronger person. I am more independent and confident than I ever have been. I have really become the woman that I know God wants me to be. I am so thankful for the lessons I have learned and the things that I can share with others who go through the same thing I experienced.
I will always value marriage and what it stands for, and I will always hate divorce as God hates divorce. But I know that God intends marriage to be a certain way...for a man to love his wife as Christ loves the church, and a woman to respect her husband (and vice-versa)...and when that is not happening, then there is no TRUE marriage...only two people living together. When God's children are suffering, then God will provide a way out. I have learned that there are not enough Christian resources for people who face divorce, and I think that is a sad thing. We live in a fallen world...it happens. God does not love us any less if we must go through it. There are many more biblical things that I have learned about divorce, but unfortunately I don't have the time to get into it.
All I can tell you is this...don't try to control your life....listen to God every moment! Learn from every lesson! It is okay NOT to get married right after college (haha)! And remember that God may have a different plan! :)
