Last night was the last straw for me. I was out enjoying Valentine's Day at a fancy steakhouse with my AMAZING boyfriend who is so precious, loving, and caring, but I could barely eat. For some reason, as soon as I looked at the menu, I feared getting nauseous. I feared smelling heavy food and getting sick to my stomach. I ordered a glass of wine and drank three glasses of water, hoping to calm myself down, but it just didn't work.
The waiter brought us our filet mignons...they were covered in a creamy sauce and gravy, and gnocchi underneath. To a normal non-vegetarian, this would look delicious, but I instantly became more fearful that I would be sick to my stomach. As soon as I took one bite, a sense of nausea raced to my stomach. It was like the food triggered it. I slowly tried to eat my steak but I could barely do it. I told Justin how I was feeling and he felt so bad for me, as he always does. I explained to him what was going on in my head and how I knew my fear of nausea is so irrational. But it just didn't help...I couldn't convince my brain that I was fine.
I am so mad at myself for my irrational fears and allowing my anxiety and fear of nausea to interfere with my daily life. This had happened just a few weeks ago when Justin and I went out to a restaurant with our dear friends. I had spent the whole day that day putting together an article (I am in HR, so I have to prepare safety awareness articles) based on heart attack symptoms, specifically for women. I had read that nausea is a heart attack symptom for women, as well as chest pain. That week, I had been diagnosed with costochondritis (inflammation located where the ribs and sternum meet...nothing serious...just goes away over time) so I was already experiencing some chest pain when we went out. As soon as we entered the restaurant, a huge feeling of nausea overcame me. While we were looking at the menu, I looked at Justin and told him how I was feeling. He put his arm around me and said, "Baby, it just your anxiety. How can I help you?" (He is such a sweetie pie...haha). Our friends Dave and Melissa could tell I wasn't feeling well, and reassured me that what I was feeling was just in my head. I told them about my fear of a heart attack and how my anxiety was causing nausea. As soon as I started talking to them about my problem, my fear and anxiety left..but my appetite did not come back until hours later.
There are many other events when nausea came on just from me feeling anxious. My anxiety developed just two years ago when my previous marriage was falling apart. I think what had happened, was I realized that I was out of control of my life. I felt like the worst can happen to me because that is what was happening in my marriage. By the time my marriage ended, my anxiety had become fully developed and I have dealt with it since. I always think the worst is always going to happen. My symptoms include nausea, a fast heart rate, a lump in my throat, and tremors.
The most annoying thing is that my nausea is just worsened naturally when I am facing anxiety because I have a fear of vomiting. I had a horrible episode in 2010 when I thought I was going to die because I was vomiting so bad and felt so out of control. Since then, anytime I begin to feel nauseous, I become very fearful, and it just intensifies the anxiety. I tend to connect heavy food to nausea, so when I go out to restaurants, I sometimes fear that I will just get sick.
All of this is in my head, and I am DONE with it. I have decided that I don't want to only rely on anxiety-relieving medication to help....I am going to get counseling. I want to enjoy my life and everything that I have to look forward to. I love my boyfriend so much and I am so excited about our future together...I do not want my mental problem to interfere with us enjoying our times out together. I love my life, and I don't want any regrets!
