Justin left on Feb. 20th, 2012 for an interview with the Eastern Virginia Medical School, for the position of Media Manager II. This had been his third interview since trying to look for a new job since he was told in June 2011, that he would be laid off at the end of the year. This interview was even more critical than the first two interviews he had earlier, because this time he was actually unemployed. We also talked about getting married and moving to Virginia, but we knew that those plans would be on hold until Justin got a job. When I kissed Justin goodbye at the the airport on the 20th, I couldn't help but feel so anxious and nervous for him. If he got the job, it would mean so much for him...and for us.
Justin's interview on the 22nd went so well. He told me that he spent a long time preparing his answers for certain questions, and they just so happened to ask every question he prepared for. God is so good! He also told me that they would probably tell him whether or not he got the job in a week...which would be Wed., Feb. 29th.
Almost every night Justin was gone, we talked on Skype, or at least on the phone. On Tuesday, Feb. 28th, Justin told me that he couldn't talk that night because his router broke and his parents were taking him to a play, so we just couldn't talk that night. I was so disappointed because I really wanted to talk to him. I missed him so much after not seeing him for almost a week and half (to some that is nothing, but I am just a wimp...haha). He said he would make it up to me the next day.
The next day, Wed., Feb. 29th, I woke up with the hope that Justin would hear if he got the job at EVMS. I texted him all day asking if he heard anything about the job...he said "no." However, he told me that he wanted to call me at 6:30pm. Normally that would have been fine, but I told him that I would be out with my friend Melissa (Justin's best friend's wife), and I didn't think it would be polite if I carried on a conversation with him while out with my friend. But Justin insisted that he speak to me just to "hear the sound of my voice." I didn't quite understand why he couldn't just wait till later to chat, but I gave in and told Melissa that at 6:30pm, Justin was going to call me, so I wouldn't be the best company at that time.
Melissa and I went out to Glendale because I thought we were going to go see our friend's, Sarah and Brian Heck's new baby boy. Melissa told me that she hadn't heard back from Sarah about whether or not we could actually visit, so she said we should hang out at the Glendale Americana instead.
Just as some background info., the Glendale Americana is an outdoor mall that is very pretty at night due to the lights and Frank Sinatra music playing in the background. There is a huge fountain in the center, where the water dances to the music. Justin and I have had many fun dates at the Glendale Americana, and on one special date, Justin and I spent over an hour just sitting and talking by the fountain. It was a very bonding and emotional time, so the fountain is very close to my heart.
Back to the story...When Melissa and I arrived at the Glendale Americana, she told me to go sit and wait for her by the fountain while she put in a reservation for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, which is right next to the fountain. While I was sitting at the fountain, I noticed it was close to 6:30, so I expected Justin to call. I looked at my phone, and Justin sent me a text instead. His text told me to check my email because he sent me a message. So, I checked my email on my phone (thank God for smartphones...haha)
The very first line of Justin's email, said, "I got the job at EVMS..." I could have cried right there. But then the email went on and Justin told me in the email to sit there, relax, and read the entire email. The rest of the email discussed all the reasons why he loves me and he even quoted passages from letters I had written to him over the last year. It was so beautiful. It became very emotional.
When I was done reading the email, I immediately tried to call Justin...but when I looked up, I could see Justin walking towards me. I left my phone and purse sitting on the fountain's edge, and I ran straight to Justin and gave him a huge hug and kiss! I was so happy to see him. He walked me over back to the fountain, got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him. I was so excited that I don't even remember if I said "yes!"...haha. Apparently I did! ;) I do remember falling to my knees with him though because I just couldn't believe all the exciting news all at one....Justin got the job, I got to see Justin after he was gone in Virginia, and best of all, he asked me to marry him!
Apparently, Justin found out he got the job the day before...the reason why Justin couldn't call me the night before was because he was on his way back to California on a plane. He called his best friend, Dave (Melissa's husband) and asked him to pick him up at the airport. Melissa was also asked to be a part of the "grand scheme" by taking me out that night.
After Justin proposed, Dave and Melissa ran out to congratulate us. Then we all went to celebrate at the Cheesecake Factory. It was a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful night!
I am so excited that God has blessed me with such a wonderful man who loves God and is my best friend. We have both faced unfortunate pasts that we wish we could change...but God works through unfortunate and sad times to create new beginnings that will ultimately glorify Him. Our story is an example of that!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
My Personal Battle With Anxiety
Last night was the last straw for me. I was out enjoying Valentine's Day at a fancy steakhouse with my AMAZING boyfriend who is so precious, loving, and caring, but I could barely eat. For some reason, as soon as I looked at the menu, I feared getting nauseous. I feared smelling heavy food and getting sick to my stomach. I ordered a glass of wine and drank three glasses of water, hoping to calm myself down, but it just didn't work.
The waiter brought us our filet mignons...they were covered in a creamy sauce and gravy, and gnocchi underneath. To a normal non-vegetarian, this would look delicious, but I instantly became more fearful that I would be sick to my stomach. As soon as I took one bite, a sense of nausea raced to my stomach. It was like the food triggered it. I slowly tried to eat my steak but I could barely do it. I told Justin how I was feeling and he felt so bad for me, as he always does. I explained to him what was going on in my head and how I knew my fear of nausea is so irrational. But it just didn't help...I couldn't convince my brain that I was fine.
I am so mad at myself for my irrational fears and allowing my anxiety and fear of nausea to interfere with my daily life. This had happened just a few weeks ago when Justin and I went out to a restaurant with our dear friends. I had spent the whole day that day putting together an article (I am in HR, so I have to prepare safety awareness articles) based on heart attack symptoms, specifically for women. I had read that nausea is a heart attack symptom for women, as well as chest pain. That week, I had been diagnosed with costochondritis (inflammation located where the ribs and sternum meet...nothing serious...just goes away over time) so I was already experiencing some chest pain when we went out. As soon as we entered the restaurant, a huge feeling of nausea overcame me. While we were looking at the menu, I looked at Justin and told him how I was feeling. He put his arm around me and said, "Baby, it just your anxiety. How can I help you?" (He is such a sweetie pie...haha). Our friends Dave and Melissa could tell I wasn't feeling well, and reassured me that what I was feeling was just in my head. I told them about my fear of a heart attack and how my anxiety was causing nausea. As soon as I started talking to them about my problem, my fear and anxiety left..but my appetite did not come back until hours later.
There are many other events when nausea came on just from me feeling anxious. My anxiety developed just two years ago when my previous marriage was falling apart. I think what had happened, was I realized that I was out of control of my life. I felt like the worst can happen to me because that is what was happening in my marriage. By the time my marriage ended, my anxiety had become fully developed and I have dealt with it since. I always think the worst is always going to happen. My symptoms include nausea, a fast heart rate, a lump in my throat, and tremors.
The most annoying thing is that my nausea is just worsened naturally when I am facing anxiety because I have a fear of vomiting. I had a horrible episode in 2010 when I thought I was going to die because I was vomiting so bad and felt so out of control. Since then, anytime I begin to feel nauseous, I become very fearful, and it just intensifies the anxiety. I tend to connect heavy food to nausea, so when I go out to restaurants, I sometimes fear that I will just get sick.
All of this is in my head, and I am DONE with it. I have decided that I don't want to only rely on anxiety-relieving medication to help....I am going to get counseling. I want to enjoy my life and everything that I have to look forward to. I love my boyfriend so much and I am so excited about our future together...I do not want my mental problem to interfere with us enjoying our times out together. I love my life, and I don't want any regrets!
The waiter brought us our filet mignons...they were covered in a creamy sauce and gravy, and gnocchi underneath. To a normal non-vegetarian, this would look delicious, but I instantly became more fearful that I would be sick to my stomach. As soon as I took one bite, a sense of nausea raced to my stomach. It was like the food triggered it. I slowly tried to eat my steak but I could barely do it. I told Justin how I was feeling and he felt so bad for me, as he always does. I explained to him what was going on in my head and how I knew my fear of nausea is so irrational. But it just didn't help...I couldn't convince my brain that I was fine.
I am so mad at myself for my irrational fears and allowing my anxiety and fear of nausea to interfere with my daily life. This had happened just a few weeks ago when Justin and I went out to a restaurant with our dear friends. I had spent the whole day that day putting together an article (I am in HR, so I have to prepare safety awareness articles) based on heart attack symptoms, specifically for women. I had read that nausea is a heart attack symptom for women, as well as chest pain. That week, I had been diagnosed with costochondritis (inflammation located where the ribs and sternum meet...nothing serious...just goes away over time) so I was already experiencing some chest pain when we went out. As soon as we entered the restaurant, a huge feeling of nausea overcame me. While we were looking at the menu, I looked at Justin and told him how I was feeling. He put his arm around me and said, "Baby, it just your anxiety. How can I help you?" (He is such a sweetie pie...haha). Our friends Dave and Melissa could tell I wasn't feeling well, and reassured me that what I was feeling was just in my head. I told them about my fear of a heart attack and how my anxiety was causing nausea. As soon as I started talking to them about my problem, my fear and anxiety left..but my appetite did not come back until hours later.
There are many other events when nausea came on just from me feeling anxious. My anxiety developed just two years ago when my previous marriage was falling apart. I think what had happened, was I realized that I was out of control of my life. I felt like the worst can happen to me because that is what was happening in my marriage. By the time my marriage ended, my anxiety had become fully developed and I have dealt with it since. I always think the worst is always going to happen. My symptoms include nausea, a fast heart rate, a lump in my throat, and tremors.
The most annoying thing is that my nausea is just worsened naturally when I am facing anxiety because I have a fear of vomiting. I had a horrible episode in 2010 when I thought I was going to die because I was vomiting so bad and felt so out of control. Since then, anytime I begin to feel nauseous, I become very fearful, and it just intensifies the anxiety. I tend to connect heavy food to nausea, so when I go out to restaurants, I sometimes fear that I will just get sick.
All of this is in my head, and I am DONE with it. I have decided that I don't want to only rely on anxiety-relieving medication to help....I am going to get counseling. I want to enjoy my life and everything that I have to look forward to. I love my boyfriend so much and I am so excited about our future together...I do not want my mental problem to interfere with us enjoying our times out together. I love my life, and I don't want any regrets!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
God Had a Different Plan
It is amazing how often we pray for things we want, thinking that if we just pray hard enough or want something so baldy, things will go exactly how we desire. That is how I used to feel. I knew that God created me and put me in the family I have. I was surrounded by a loving family that wanted the best for me, two parents who had a good marriage, two brothers who, although would pick on me growing up, set a great example for me to work hard in school and become successful, and a church family who encouraged me to love God and grow in a Christian community. With these influences in my life, I naturally wanted the things in life that followed the patterns I saw around me....a Christian husband, a degree from a great University, a family (with perhaps two or three children...seemed good to me), a dog, a cat, a home, and a Christian community that pretty much laid good friends at your feet, or at least you would hope so in a "perfect world" (haha).
So, after realizing these dreams, I did everything I thought was the "right" way of doing things. I remained "the good girl" in school, I strived for the "best grades," I prayed for my future husband, I attended a Christian school, etc. Honestly, I thought, "If I do everything 'the right way,' how could things possibly go wrong?" After all, I watched as my brothers followed the same steps (except for a few problems here and there), and then they married the "perfect women," one started a family, and the other owns his own home. I wanted these things too...in fact, I thought it was necessary that I follow the same steps in order to do things "the right way."
So, my second year in college, over the summertime, I met at guy who, for the first time, actually seemed to have the guts to ask me out. I had had so many crushes in high school and college, but the guys were either just not gutsy enough to "make a move," or I must have seemed desperate, and therefore, not attractive. Anyway, this guy caught my eye because I actually felt "wanted" and I had not dated anyone before him. I was 20 years old, and I thought I better start dating before ending up an "old maid" (I can't believe how ignorant I was at that time).
Well, this guy and I started dating...things went pretty fast. I was engaged after only 6 months, and married to him a year and a half later (so obviously we were engaged longer than we were dating). Being 20 years old, still growing as a person, and not really knowing anything about "red flags," I didn't really pay attention to the important things that make up a long-lasting relationship. The guy had some pretty bad issues that I just ignored. I so badly wanted to get married and get on with my life, that I failed to really invest time in myself and what was best for my life. I "thought" I was listening to God...I really did. However, after I said "I do," I then realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life...marrying someone who was not a good match for me, but more importantly, had issues that were too big to really be a good spouse.
After being married for almost three years, I was so depressed, scared, and hurt by the things I was dealing with in my marriage. I will not discuss the things I dealt with because they are things I have chosen to move on from, and I have forgiven my ex-spouse. However, the problems were big enough that they tore me up and pushed me to grow more than I ever expected.
Now, growing up in a Christian community did not make it easy for me to choose divorce. I knew what the Bible said about divorce, but I also knew that God was not pleased with my marriage, and I also knew that God has no desire for his children to be hurt physically and emotionally by another person....that is not the God I know. I prayed and prayed for God's guidance and peace, and I have never felt more peace about a decision then when I realized I had to end my marriage. I knew that God commands us to forgive and "love" everyone! I knew that I could never love my ex-spouse in a romantic way, as a wife loves her husband, but I could "love" him as another child of God. I have chosen that route and I choose not to hold on to the past. I have forgiven him and that brings the greatest freedom I have ever experienced.
My life has definitely not been the same since my divorce. I was forced to restart my life in a new city, meet new friends, find a new church, etc. It was the biggest struggle of my life. I also had to learn how to be single all over again. Thankfully, God has been with me every step of the way. My relationship with God is completely different. I now understand better than ever how God can totally redirect your life and bring you to your knees. I would be a liar if I didn't feel anger and frustration with God over and over again as I was dealing with loneliness, pain, and feeling like I was a failure. But then I am reminded how God has practically given me a "second chance at life." Although I have faced the hardest time of my life (so far...have a long way to go still...haha), I can say that I have experienced what is like to be in a horrible relationship, and see how even if my story didn't end up happily, God has not turned his face against me and has continually shown me that he is by my side.
Despite the struggles that come with divorce, I am a happier and stronger person. I am more independent and confident than I ever have been. I have really become the woman that I know God wants me to be. I am so thankful for the lessons I have learned and the things that I can share with others who go through the same thing I experienced.
I will always value marriage and what it stands for, and I will always hate divorce as God hates divorce. But I know that God intends marriage to be a certain way...for a man to love his wife as Christ loves the church, and a woman to respect her husband (and vice-versa)...and when that is not happening, then there is no TRUE marriage...only two people living together. When God's children are suffering, then God will provide a way out. I have learned that there are not enough Christian resources for people who face divorce, and I think that is a sad thing. We live in a fallen world...it happens. God does not love us any less if we must go through it. There are many more biblical things that I have learned about divorce, but unfortunately I don't have the time to get into it.
All I can tell you is this...don't try to control your life....listen to God every moment! Learn from every lesson! It is okay NOT to get married right after college (haha)! And remember that God may have a different plan! :)
So, after realizing these dreams, I did everything I thought was the "right" way of doing things. I remained "the good girl" in school, I strived for the "best grades," I prayed for my future husband, I attended a Christian school, etc. Honestly, I thought, "If I do everything 'the right way,' how could things possibly go wrong?" After all, I watched as my brothers followed the same steps (except for a few problems here and there), and then they married the "perfect women," one started a family, and the other owns his own home. I wanted these things too...in fact, I thought it was necessary that I follow the same steps in order to do things "the right way."
So, my second year in college, over the summertime, I met at guy who, for the first time, actually seemed to have the guts to ask me out. I had had so many crushes in high school and college, but the guys were either just not gutsy enough to "make a move," or I must have seemed desperate, and therefore, not attractive. Anyway, this guy caught my eye because I actually felt "wanted" and I had not dated anyone before him. I was 20 years old, and I thought I better start dating before ending up an "old maid" (I can't believe how ignorant I was at that time).
Well, this guy and I started dating...things went pretty fast. I was engaged after only 6 months, and married to him a year and a half later (so obviously we were engaged longer than we were dating). Being 20 years old, still growing as a person, and not really knowing anything about "red flags," I didn't really pay attention to the important things that make up a long-lasting relationship. The guy had some pretty bad issues that I just ignored. I so badly wanted to get married and get on with my life, that I failed to really invest time in myself and what was best for my life. I "thought" I was listening to God...I really did. However, after I said "I do," I then realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life...marrying someone who was not a good match for me, but more importantly, had issues that were too big to really be a good spouse.
After being married for almost three years, I was so depressed, scared, and hurt by the things I was dealing with in my marriage. I will not discuss the things I dealt with because they are things I have chosen to move on from, and I have forgiven my ex-spouse. However, the problems were big enough that they tore me up and pushed me to grow more than I ever expected.
Now, growing up in a Christian community did not make it easy for me to choose divorce. I knew what the Bible said about divorce, but I also knew that God was not pleased with my marriage, and I also knew that God has no desire for his children to be hurt physically and emotionally by another person....that is not the God I know. I prayed and prayed for God's guidance and peace, and I have never felt more peace about a decision then when I realized I had to end my marriage. I knew that God commands us to forgive and "love" everyone! I knew that I could never love my ex-spouse in a romantic way, as a wife loves her husband, but I could "love" him as another child of God. I have chosen that route and I choose not to hold on to the past. I have forgiven him and that brings the greatest freedom I have ever experienced.
My life has definitely not been the same since my divorce. I was forced to restart my life in a new city, meet new friends, find a new church, etc. It was the biggest struggle of my life. I also had to learn how to be single all over again. Thankfully, God has been with me every step of the way. My relationship with God is completely different. I now understand better than ever how God can totally redirect your life and bring you to your knees. I would be a liar if I didn't feel anger and frustration with God over and over again as I was dealing with loneliness, pain, and feeling like I was a failure. But then I am reminded how God has practically given me a "second chance at life." Although I have faced the hardest time of my life (so far...have a long way to go still...haha), I can say that I have experienced what is like to be in a horrible relationship, and see how even if my story didn't end up happily, God has not turned his face against me and has continually shown me that he is by my side.
Despite the struggles that come with divorce, I am a happier and stronger person. I am more independent and confident than I ever have been. I have really become the woman that I know God wants me to be. I am so thankful for the lessons I have learned and the things that I can share with others who go through the same thing I experienced.
I will always value marriage and what it stands for, and I will always hate divorce as God hates divorce. But I know that God intends marriage to be a certain way...for a man to love his wife as Christ loves the church, and a woman to respect her husband (and vice-versa)...and when that is not happening, then there is no TRUE marriage...only two people living together. When God's children are suffering, then God will provide a way out. I have learned that there are not enough Christian resources for people who face divorce, and I think that is a sad thing. We live in a fallen world...it happens. God does not love us any less if we must go through it. There are many more biblical things that I have learned about divorce, but unfortunately I don't have the time to get into it.
All I can tell you is this...don't try to control your life....listen to God every moment! Learn from every lesson! It is okay NOT to get married right after college (haha)! And remember that God may have a different plan! :)
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